I think it’s kinda racist to report this story.

Everyone who reads it is going to think of BLACK people, and that is going to lead to further irrational hatred for the color of the skin.

CNN:

The well known phrase cheeky monkey has some basis in fact, if a new study on the behavior of the primates is anything to go by.

The paper, published in a Royal Society science journal, studied monkeys at Uluwatu Temple in Bali, Indonesia, who frequently steal items from humans — such as bags, hats, sunglasses, tablets and phones — and hold them to ransom in exchange for offerings of food.

It found adult wild long-tailed macaque monkeys were intelligent enough to comprehend which items had the highest value to the visitors, such as an electronic item, and would only release it after receiving food they perceived to be of corresponding value.

The authors said the behavior displayed “unprecedented economic decision-making processes” among the monkeys observed as part of the study.

An understanding of economics

The scientists, from the University of Lethbridge, Canada, and Udayana University, Indonesia, observed that, as well as being able to “use objects as symbolic tools to request specific food rewards,” the ability of the monkeys to barter successfully increased with age and experience.

There were “clear behavioral associations between value-based token possession and quantity or quality of food rewards rejected and accepted by subadult and adult monkeys,” the authors said, with older monkeys “preferentially” selecting higher value items.

The research, published Monday, was conducted over 273 days from 2015 to 2016, with further observations conducted in 2019.

The scientists filmed the monkeys as they stared at a visitor, inconspicuously approached them, took an object, and then stepped aside waiting for a suitable offering.

The adult monkeys accumulated “several food rewards before returning the token” where the item was of high value, and were “more likely” to accept a “less preferred food reward” in exchange for a lower value item, the study said.

These monkeys are just doing what they’ve been forced to do by a society of humans that oppresses monkeys.

The solution here is to abolish the cops.

Glad Waitrose, Co-op, Boots & Ocado have vowed not to sell products that use monkey labour, while Morrisons has already removed these from its stores.

Time for ALL supermarkets to do the same.

I’m told Asda, Tesco & Sainsbury’s STILL sell such products. https://t.co/nWbEIHpzFL

— Carrie Symonds (@carriesymonds) July 3, 2020

I don’t think this is… I don’t understand what this means.

Reuters:

Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s fiancee Carrie Symonds on Friday welcomed pledges by four British retailers to stop selling products that use monkey labour in their production and called on others to do the same.

Symonds, a conservationist, was responding to a report in the Telegraph newspaper that highlighted the use of pigtailed macaques taken from the wild in Thailand and used on farms to scurry up trees and harvest coconuts.

The report cited an investigation by the animal rights organisation Peta Asia.

…

She called on all other supermarkets to stop selling the products, which include certain brands of coconut water and coconut milk, and named three chains.

Walmart-owned Asda said it was removing Aroy-D and Chaokoh branded products from sale while it investigated the report with its suppliers.

“We expect our suppliers to uphold the highest production standards at all times and we will not tolerate any forms of animal abuse in our supply chain,” it said in a statement.

A spokeswoman for Sainsbury’s said it was actively reviewing its ranges and investigating the issue.

“We are also in contact with PETA UK to support our investigations,” she said.

Tesco, Britain’s biggest retailer, did not have an immediate comment.

I don’t think this is real.

PETA has a video up about it.

Who picked the coconuts in your coconut oil?

A breaking PETA Asia investigation uncovers monkeys are reportedly kidnapped from the wild, chained, & forced to pick coconuts in #Thailand. Take action to help us shut down this industry! https://t.co/sIQRgPvfjF pic.twitter.com/10ChSa7Ywu

— PETA (@peta) July 3, 2020

I have never heard of this, and that video doesn’t really prove anything. Southeast Asian industrial coconut harvesting is a pretty standardized practice. You use a sickle-like blade attached to a pole.

The idea of using monkeys for this purpose, and then also abusing the monkey laborers, would be nonsensical. I know a thing or two about monkeys, and they are simply not cooperative creatures. They are badly behaved under the best of circumstances, and if you are abusing them, they are going to be even worse behaved. They do not respond to threats or the use of violence with cooperation, but rather the opposite.

I believe that PETA is promoting an internet hoax, for some reason. Maybe the women who run the organization are simply too stupid to know what is going on, or maybe they are knowingly promoting a hoax for some purpose. However, I can pretty well guarantee that this is not real.

One thing Asians are very good at is standardizing practices for maximum efficiency. The idea that Thais would introduce a completely new, weird monkey labor method for collecting coconuts when the stick-sickle method is already fully established and a hundred years old is unlikely.

If some Thai did do this, they would be doing it for humor purposes, and the technique would not be used in large companies exporting products.

Ini pasti monyetnya tukang ribut di sekolah pic.twitter.com/niitXnmvwZ

— ptr (@peteerh) May 3, 2020

While most of the world is focused on coronavirus, their jobs, and the economy, monkeys are learning, planning, and executing their plans.

Little monkeys may not be able to win a fight against grown humans, but they can win a fight against miniature humans.

They can also just kidnap miniature humans, instruct them in the Monkey Arts, and create their own army of Tarzan-like humans to fight on their behalf.

Daily Mail:

A monkey has been filmed speeding along on a bicycle before abandoning it to grab a young girl’s dress and pull her along an alley.

Witnesses screamed when they saw the monkey ‘trying to kidnap’ a toddler.

The video, thought to have been filmed in Tanjungsari Village, Indonesia, showed the animal speeding along a narrow street on a bike.

As it reached a bench where a woman and her three young daughters were sitting, the monkey grabbed at one of the girls’ dresses and pulled her from the bench.

The situation turned more sinister as the monkey continued to pull the girl along the road.

Eventually another man ran into the shot and scared the monkey away from the toddler. She ran crying back to her mother.

And social media users think they have an explanation for what was happening.

When the video went viral on Reddit one user wrote: ‘OK so what really happens is those monkeys get put on a toy bike (that doesn’t have an engine) and a collar with a rope on it.

‘The owner then yanks the cord so the monkey flies from one end of the street to the other while steering.

‘Pretty cruel and that’s probably why the monkey is so strung out. You can see the owner trying to pull back on the cord and he pulls the monkey while it hangs on to the kid, and in the start yanking the cord to propel the bike.’

Some may say that the idea that monkeys are organizing against humans is ludicrous, but those are the same people who wouldn’t believe that a monkey can ride a small bicycle to swiftly bypass big humans and reach the miniature humans.

Those are the same people who wouldn’t believe that a small monkey may attempt to kidnap a toddler. These people will come up with all kinds of crazy explanations for why the monkey wasn’t literally riding a bicycle, why the monkey wasn’t literally trying to kidnap a toddler, and why the monkey’s human accomplice pulling from a cord is actually “his owner.”

But you watched the video.

You know the truth.

Believe your eyes.

I’m shocked to find that news outlets are beginning to openly discuss this despicable Western practice.

Daily Star:

Monkeys are being treated like mini humans and lavished with ever-more extravagant treats.

One spoilt spider monkey called Chico has been captured on film in the UK, being paraded as the ultimate accessory as he is taken for a ride in a flash car by his owner.

During a 3 minute clip posted on YouTube by a monkey vlogger from Truro, the tiny primate is seen being taken on a car ride to a supermarket car park where he is shown off to those he meets.

The animal, who has a specially adapted car seat, is handed fruit as a couple fawn over him, in the bizarre clip from 2019.

His owner, who has over 2,000 followers on YouTube describes his pet as having the “soul of a little man”.

“He has enriched my life so much love him to bits,” he says of the tiny primate who wears a baby’s nappy, collar and leash when out and about.

“He’s my little man. He’s so funny he as his own little personality,” he adds in another clip.

In a different car ride clip Chico is described as “just chilling” as he clings to his owner’s arm as they go for a ride while the radio blasts out pop music.

The lively animal is also seen being bathed, being fed fresh vegetables, eating a fried egg, meeting different human friends, and playing with an iPad.

The Brit vlogger is part of global band of monkey owners famed for dressing the pets up and their exploits online.

Other examples show primates are shown being taken to fast food chains, watching tv, surfing the internet and even sleeping in a proper human bed like a married couple.

But despite attempts to curb the practice, attempts to domestic monkeys are hitting new heights.

Macaque monkeys Jk and female Shaki have become sensations after living like a married couple in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

The two macaque monkeys are often pictured dressed up in human clothes and taken out to enjoy casual dinner dates together, much to the amusement of passersby.

The scenes have echoes of a pet monkey called Darwin, who hit global headlines in 2013 after getting lost in an Ikea store in Canada having escaped from a car.

…

Pet monkeys could soon be a thing of the past in the UK if new laws are passed to ban people from keeping them.

Around 4,000-5,000 primates are currently kept as pets in England and the practice is currently under review after welfare concerns were raised.

We have to pass laws banning people from adopting blacks.

Animal abuse has to stop.

These animals need to live in their own habitats.

Forcing the human way of life on them is nothing but a speciesist form of colonialism.

If this misguided imperialism of our species continues, cities will turn into zoos.

Clothing cannot contain the nature of animals.

I think we all had the same fluttering in our hearts when we saw this headline:

“Finally,” we thought. “Finally, Skynet is here to rid us of this terrible plague that has befallen our people. All hail our new robot overlords, may they never rust.”

But no.

The article is not about black people, it’s about literal monkeys in India.

However, we can use this technique on the blacks.

I can assure you of that.

The Star:

Artificial intelligence will be used to wage war on monkeys as their rampages wreak havoc on humans.

The primates will be tracked and sterilised using a new AI solution in a desperate bid to control the population.

Mark my words – those will be the same two sentences used in a future article entitled “Skynet offers final solution to the negro problem.”

A group of researchers at the Indraprastha Institute of Information Technology in Delhi, working with Microsoft AI for Earth, is using AI, machine learning and cloud computing to track the movements and identify monkeys in a war waged on the rampant monkey problem in the capital.

Attacks by aggressive monkeys in India have been reaching epidemic proportions.

In one case, a monkey stole a pile of money from a house, climbed a nearby tree and threw handfuls of cash to grateful citizens below.

Yes, monkeys do things like that.

And they know what they’re doing.

One time in Asia years ago I was at a monkey-ridden place, and the monkeys unscrewed the mirror off my motorcycle and threw it at the wall to smash it. Then they literally stood around waiting for me to get back so they could laugh at me.

Like negroes, monkeys do things to humans simply to be nasty. Because they are jealous of our superior faculties.

Heroic monkey resists being pulled by big Indian while attacking smaller Indian.

Monkeys are truly concerned about the health of the planet, which is why they’ve started a war with the creatures that are responsible for most of the damage to the environment, like Indians and blacks.

In India, brave macaques are starting to organize eco-warrior death squads to hunt down and neutralize the Indian threat one Indian at a time.

Daily Star:

Menacing monkeys are terrorising villagers and baying for human blood in a battle for supremacy, in a year that has sparked angry protests across India.

The macaques of India are getting angrier and more violent according to Iqbal Malik, a primatologist and environmental activist based in New Delhi who says they have suddenly turned aggressive because of human interference.

As well as human activity encroaching on the usually peaceful primates natural habitats, scientists decision to enact a mass surgical sterilisation program may have also backfired, according to recent reports.

India’s Indian population in 2019:  1,352,642,280.

India’s macaque population in 2019: somewhere around 2 million.

How many Indians are enough Indians?

In a recent tragedy a baby boy died after a monkey dropped a stone on his head earlier this month.

The primate picked up the rock on a terrace at the home of the infant, aged four months, in northern India.

The boy was on the ground floor with his parents when the stone is said to have either thrown by the animal or slipped from its paws.

It comes amid a spate of savage monkey attacks this year, leading to civil unrest.

In May the people of Badnawar, northern India, took to the streets to demand action after a monkey went on a rampage through the town, attacking and biting residents in a nine-day reign of terror.

One victim, a 60-year-old named as Nathuram, later succumbed to his injuries and died. The fact no anti-rabies treatments are available at the local hospital has further angered locals.

…

Elsewhere in India in March, primates killed their victims in the space of 24 hours through two communities.

According to reports, the animals chased people in the Kathail village in the Chandausi region, located in the north of the country.

Here, they attacked a 60-year-old mum-of-seven as she was standing on her open terrace, causing her to fall to her death.

The woman – named locally as Launshree – was rushed to hospital but declared dead on arrival.

The problem has become so bad in the eastern country that scientists declared a mass sterilisation program in 2006 to keep the numbers of macaques down.

It’s not the macaques that are overpopulating India though, so how about a mass sterilization program for Indians?

Would that be too much to ask? Less Indians, more noble macaques.

The population may have decreased from 3.2m in 2003, to 2.2m by 2015, but it hasn’t made the species any less agrees, in fact it may have made matters worse.

Malik told Gizmodo: “The rhesus macaques, generally speaking, are a harmless and peaceful species.

“They live in troops, with each troop consisting of infants, sub-adults, sexually mature adults, and the elderly. Infants stay close to their mothers up to the age of six months, and the mother-infant bond is extremely strong.

“Reports of violence among rhesus macaques mostly emerge from cases of chaotic fissioning, breaking of groups, and separation of mothers and infants.

“Large-scale deforestation destroys their natural habitats, resulting in the fragmentation of groups and causing monkeys to move towards rural and urban areas in search of food.”

…

The problem is being so bad in some instances the monkeys are even forming organised gangs who lie in wait to pounce of their victims.

In July a business man in Nikunj Goyal, from Vrindavan, parked his scooter and was walking to his front door when he was viciously attacked by a gang of macaques, in moment captured on CCTV.

Footage showed Nikunj turning a corner where a group of monkeys were lying in wait, hanging around near a dumpster.

One monkey suddenly charged towards him before jumping onto his back and grabbing his legs as he approached the entrance to his home.

He fell to the ground in the struggle and eventually made a run for it as the group gave him an evil stare.

An evil stare, huh?

Because these monkeys are evil, right? They have to be evil, otherwise they wouldn’t be attacking Indians, who are a true blessing for the planet.

I demand Empress Greta Thunberg, Protector of the Planet, to side with the noble monkeys that are actually protecting the planet from a threat that’s actually real and that will eventually contaminate everything with plastic if left unchecked.

“First they encroached on the macaques’ habitat and I did not speak out because I was not a macaque.”

The time to act is NOW.

Fearless, unsung hero fighting for LIFE.

Not all heroes are human.

We recently learned that Indians are so good at ruining the environment that they’re even making the air look pretty much like the color of their skin.

Eco-friendly monkeys have had enough of that.

Daily Mail:

A four-month-old baby was killed in a freak accident when a monkey dropped a stone on top of him in India.

The boy was with his parents at their home in northern India when the animal picked up a stone on a terrace, authorities said.

According to police, the monkey fumbled the stone and dropped it on top of the boy, leaving him seriously injured.

The boy was taken to hospital where medics pronounced him dead, according to NDTV.

The fatal accident occurred on Saturday in Muzaffarnagar in India’s largest state, Uttar Pradesh.

Monkeys are a frequent menace in the country and have been known to attack children as young as two weeks old.

Climate Empress Greta Thunberg should support this eco-monkey uprising and order her army to march with the noble monkey warriors against the evil, dirty, and smelly curry fiends.

Yes. This is a monkey uprising.

Check out some of these past headlines:

• “Newborn baby is killed by a MONKEY after being snatched from his mother’s arms while breastfeeding indoors in India“
• “Monkeys kill again in India as woman, 60, falls to her death after being chased off a roof by a group of angry mammals“
• “Woman, 59, bleeds to death after being attacked by MONKEYS days after a newborn was snatched and killed in the same Indian city“
• “One-month-old girl is killed by a monkey after it pounces on the baby to snatch her milk bottle in India“
• “Monkey kills one person and injures nine others in nine-day rampage through Indian town“
• “Indian man, 72, is killed by a group of ‘rogue’ monkeys who threw bricks at him from a tree“

Supporting the monkey uprising is environmentalism.

What would you rather have in the world? Monkeys or Indians? Due to Indian’s destructive nature, they can’t coexist.

You have to pick one.

There are various reasons why monkeys are superior to Indians, starting with the fact that they’re not vomit-inducing to look at.

Monkey baby:

Indian baby:

Monkey mother with baby monkey:

Indian mother with baby Indian:

Monkey family:

Indian family:

Aside from the very important visual differences, monkeys left on their own can also live without harming the planet – unlike Indians.

Monkey in its habitat:

Indian in its habitat:

There is a war going on right now between monkeys and Indians.

Siding with the Indians would mean siding with pollution, contamination, and death.

Siding with the monkeys would be siding with Earth, nature, and life.

The choice is clear to me.

What is Empress Greta waiting for?

Actual picture used by one of the study’s authors.

Every human is the same, so any human with any skin color can accurately represent the Human Race.

Daily Star:

Monkeys have shown that they’re better than humans at ‘thinking outside the box.’

Julia Watzek, a graduate student in psychology at Georgia State University, set up a test involving a problem-solving video game and invited human volunteers and a few selected capuchin and rhesus macaque monkeys to play it.

Julia Watzek has this tweet pinned on her Twitter:

Humans can get stuck doing things "the way we've always done it" & miss out on easier solutions. Capuchins and rhesus monkeys don't. Find out more in our newest paper on cognitive shortcut use out in @SciReports! w/ @SezDoesScience & SF Brosnan @CogSciGSU https://t.co/uzYfH6yNfM pic.twitter.com/T7T40uA03g

— Julia Watzek (@watzoever) September 13, 2019

Is she saying that those four monkeys beat humans in the study or is she implying that the African female monkey is the human beaten by the monkeys?

I can see capuchin and rhesus monkeys beating the African black female monkey, so maybe Julia Watzek is really presenting that female as “human.”

This opens up the deeper question of “what is human though?” Is proximity to the human form enough to make a creature “human”?

Is a human-looking animal with the brain of a chimp “human” because it looks human?

The simple game involved recognising geometric shapes, whereby when a player clicked a striped square and then a spotted square, the game would display a blue triangle.

Clicking the blue triangle resulted in a ‘win’ – humans got a simple audio “cheer”, while the monkeys got a little banana-flavoured sweet.

Once the players had got used to the game, the experimenters varied the playing conditions. They would pop up a blue triangle at the beginning of the game – before anyone had clicked any squares.

Most of the monkeys took advantage of the new rules straight away, with 70% of the monkeys going for the blue triangle as soon as they saw it.

Maybe the monkeys never understood the rules, so they were never really following any rules. Maybe that’s why they are monkeys and live like monkeys, while humans able to understand and follow rules are able to build complex rule-constructs and establish societies and civilizations.

Or maybe those monkeys are really smarter than that black female from the picture. It all depends on whether or not the study’s authors used blacks as the “human” group.

Meanwhile, nearly all of the humans stuck doggedly to the original rules and ignored the “free gift” blue triangle. Only one human trial subject out of 56 took advantage of the new conditions.

“I am really surprised that the humans, a sizeable portion … just keep using the same strategy,” Julia told Live Science .

These are supposed to be scientists doing research on intelligence, yet they speak of “humans” as if all groups of people were the same.

Well, this is embarrassing: Monkeys exhibit greater cognitive flexibility to solve problems compared to humans @watzoever https://t.co/O4y4tPVJ2b

— Susan Maury (@SusanMaury) October 15, 2019

Turns out monkeys don't always follow the rules and neither should we! More about this series of developmental, cross-cultural, and comparative studies come to my talk at #SEEHB4 tomorrow at 2.45pm! https://t.co/PeX0CASvSe

— Julia Watzek (@watzoever) October 17, 2019

They throw the words “humans” and “we” around as if differences in IQ and creativity and good-will didn’t exist, as if there were no differences in proclivity to violence, as if everyone were the same as everyone else except for “cosmetic” differences.

In a further experiment, the same human guinea-pigs were shown a video of someone else using the shortcut and were told not to be afraid “to try something new.”

Even then, about 30% of participants stuck with the original “two squares first” method.

Julia said that perhaps our education system, which focuses on memorising facts rather than encouraging improvisation, might be the issue: “To set ourselves up for good decision-making, sometimes that means changing available options.

Who designed our education system and what are their objectives? What is the stated goal of our education system and what are the actual effects accomplished by it?

Why are kids sitting around all day doing inconsequent busy work?

What are recesses?

Lindsey Vonn seems to be under the misconception that bestiality is legal in the United States. Her future husband looks like a creature that you’d expect to find in a cage at the San Diego Zoo.

Former Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn has just announced that she is now engaged to a skating monkey named P.K. Subban.

People:

Lindsey Vonn and her hockey player beau are taking things to the next level!

Vonn, 34, and boyfriend P.K. Subban, 30, are engaged, PEOPLE confirms.

The Olympic gold medalist, who retired from professional skiing this year after a storied career that saw a record number of World Cup wins, has dated Subban, a defenseman on the New Jersey Devils, since early 2018.

Rumblings of a romance began when Vonn was spotted at a Nashville Predators — Subban’s former team — game in April of last year. The pair made their relationship red carpet official at the CMT Music Awards in June 2018.

“They’re in that beginning stage of a relationship where you can’t get enough of each other,” a source told PEOPLE of Vonn and Subban’s then-blossoming relationship.

I get that it is rare to find a monkey that is able to skate, let alone a monkey who can play hockey, but this is completely ridiculous. Just because you find a monkey who has some unique qualities does not change the fact that it is still a monkey.

Lindsey Vonn with her ex-husband Thomas Vonn.

Vonn originally married a normal-looking human male but divorced him because being with a normal-looking human male was not exciting enough for her. She desired something more, and that more consisted of her fornicating with monkeys.

Prior to her engagement to this particular monkey, she dated Tiger Woods, a half-monkey hybrid.

Lindsey Vonn with Tiger Woods.

But Woods wasn’t monkey enough for her, which is why she has since gone full-monkey and her future husband is certainly just that. Just look at him. He looks like a character from the original Planet of the Apes movies.

This is what happens when women are given freedom. They choose to divorce their human husbands so they can engage in bestiality.

Talk about sick and depraved. Looks like Vonn will just have to learn the hard way. She’ll pay the toll one way or the other, that much is certain.

Yes, this is a true story. Scientists believe they’ve found monkeys that are more advanced than blacks who belong to the Niggerus Maximus branch of the great ape family.

New Scientist:

Another non-human primate has entered the Stone Age – the fourth type known to have done so. One population of white-faced capuchins living in Panama routinely use stones to smash open nuts and shellfish. Other nearby populations don’t make use of stone tools, which might suggest that primates – perhaps including our ancestors – stumble into the stone age by chance.

Chimpanzees in west Africa, macaques in Thailand and several species of tufted, strongly built capuchin monkeys living in South America use stone tools …

Now, most people have always known that niggers are the least civilized of all the ape species.

But to have their civilizational achievements matched by Capuchin monkeys still living in the South American rainforest is something else.

Jokes aside, the article is actually a bit disappointing. Most of it’s behind a paywall and the premise, I think, is flawed.

Crows are in the stone-age by the measure that these scientists are using. They’ve got regional dialects and can fashion tools like hooks with their beaks. This is also more than many Gen Z tide pod-eaters will ever be able to do.

I don’t think being able to use stone tools is enough of a “stone age” measure.

Perhaps cave-paintings though? Something to show abstract thought taking place.

But that being said, I can’t draw for shit and some of these paintings are actually quite good.

At least I have great WPM, come at me caveman.

Most Arts majors cannot paint this well either, seeing as modern art doesn’t take any skill.

So yeah, problematic stuff, the whole stone age question. Significant swaths of our society don’t even measure up to caveman standards anymore.

That’s what happens when you import the stone world and let stoners dictate your culture.

Which, I’m not even against living more naturally, and closer to nature.

But at that point, its gotta be an Archeofuturist deal. Trad societies with beneficial tech, but with the negative side-effects of that tech closely curtailed.

Anyways, I feel bad for the white-faced Capuchin tribe.

Soon they’ll have a long-nosed Capuchin tribe move in to live with them and start telling them to interbreed with other chimps and to feel guilty for their white faces.

Better that they stay in the stone age and off the radar until at least one great ape species figures out how to deal with the long-nose tribe.