This is a special bonus edition of Stormer Ebonics translations, where we’re going to hit a couple of classic hits.

A translation of 50 Cent’s 2003 hit was requested by a reader. I was slightly hesitant, as I think rap from that time was so much more straightforward that a white person can basically understand the original lyrics.

Rap from that period also had a theme and told a story, unlike modern rap, which tends to be just a series of unrelated wild assertions, which kind of makes the translations funnier.

But by doing classic rap, at least we can show that this is not some new phenomenon.

Here’s 50’s “Heat”

If there’s a problem, I will start firing a gun and empty out the clip
Petty disagreements are meaningless to me
I will drive by in a vehicle and shoot you in the head
You will not have time to draw your weapon
When me and my buddies come to shoot you

I take care of my gang business, without regard for potential police prosecutions
The District Attorney can use this song, where I am confessing to a murder plot, in a case against me
I’m going to murder you
I’m being serious, I hope you understand, I’m being serious
As soon as I get the opportunity, I am going to murder you

You can continue to believe that I’m not serious until I shoot you in the head
And your brain matter splatters everywhere
In public housing neighborhoods, murder is popular during the summer months
The fact that it is hot outside is a good reason to murder people
I have witnessed gang members find religion after they’ve been shot
They pray for God’s help as they are bleeding out
When I drive by and start firing an AK-47 out the window
You can return fire and empty the magazine of your handgun
You can run away and try to find other members of your gang to help you in the shootout
It’s fine with me if you believe you are blessed religiously
Because I will reload my AK-47 and do another drive-by shooting

The truth is, buddy, if you make trouble will be, it’s all over for you
I will come up behind you and start shooting, and you won’t be able to duck
Listen, buddy, you shouldn’t believe you’ve gotten away from me because you moved out of the public housing projects
Your mother still lives in this area, and that is bad news for you
If you were more intelligent, you’d be very worried about my vendetta against you
If I exhaust myself trying to find you
I will do a drive-by shooting at your mother’s house
Then you will have to find me to take revenge

I’m emotionally fixated on my plan to kill you
You act like you’re a serious person, but I know you’re a coward
Buddy, you know rumors spread quickly in public housing projects
I will not accept a surrender
I’m coming for you forcefully
I will hunt you until the end of time
If I die today, I will not have any regrets
I’ve been in a lot of gunfights alone
I was in prison in solitary confinement
I made millions of dollars without anyone’s help
But things are different now, buddy, I have a large gang

I heard that you invested $50,000 into your gang
But I will shoot your top bodyguard
I use a handgun to hurt people
If you survive getting shot by me, you will deal with chronic health problems for the remainder of your days
I’ve heard you play the board game Battleship, but this situation is is different from a board came
Buddy, gang war is a completely different type of tactical combat
The losers of this game end up going to prison
Or murdered in the street will their brain matter splattered across the asphalt

If we have a fist fight and I lose, I will shoot you
So you should not irritate me unless you want to get shot
I’ve done bad things, but God remains faithful to me
I’m going to be the best rapper, because I’m working with Dr. Dre

Hey, Dr. Dre
I feel really great about the services you’ve provided me with
The windows on my Mercedes-Benz are bulletproof, buddy
I am wearing a bulletproof vest, buddy
I am wearing a bulletproof hat, buddy
But the doctor said if I get shot in my bulletproof had I’ll probably get a concussion
But that is better than getting a bullet through my skull, correct, buddy?

Fin

BONUS CONTENT

As long as we’re on classic rap, why not go way, way back, and see what colored folks were saying in the 1990s?

I recently said that Tupac’s “Hail Mary” was similar to a quote from Saint Francis of Assisi.

I have no idea why, but a lot of racists read this website, and claimed that the Tupac song was just “nigger bibble-babble,” and can not be compared to the holy words of Francis.

To be clear, I was not saying they were “comparable.” I was just saying: “same energy.”

So it’s only appropriate that I translate 2 Pac’s “Hail Mary” (1996) to clear up the confusion.

To be clear, I don’t know why Pac included a Catholic prayer in this song. He was raised by some black radical mother, meaning that it was probably some mix of weird spiritualist protestant Christianity and Islam, which is – for whatever reason – the standard black religious system.

Regardless of why, the title and chorus of the song do contain the words “Hail Mary,” which is the beginning of the rosary prayer (which, to you protestants, is not a worship of Mary, it is just a prayer asking Her to pray for you). He also has other Catholic references.

So, there’s no need to translate that part of the song. He just says “Hail Mary” in normal English.

Here it is. 

I’m here on this song with my friends
You can feel the beats strongly
This song is like getting shot with a 12-gauge shotgun

God said that he would send his one and only begotten Son
To show the heathens a path to redemption
He said “follow me”
He ordered Christians to take the Holy Eucharist

Come over here
Hail Mary, buddy, let’s talk
What is your situation?
Are you prepared to give your life for our cause?

I’m not a murderer, but don’t irritate me
Giving one’s enemies their comeuppance is the most pleasurable thing aside from vaginal intercourse
I have a lot of knowledge of philosophy
I found that rap music was lacking and I fixed the problem with my skills
Please kneel and pray to God, and pray he will hear you
I see gang members coming for me in the reflections in my diamonds
Please, God, listen: bless me father, I am near death
Everyone is getting murdered, Mother Mary, pray for us at the time of our death
I am insane and locked inside my own head
There is a darkness and evil inside me, I try to escape my enemies
There is a hate inside me that protects my soul
I do drive-by shootings, and I don’t aim
Some people claim that the gang war community and music industry are totally corrupt
People who escape this lifestyle are fortunate
Also, my mother told my not to engage in coitus interruptus, and to ejaculate into women’s vaginas
I hate the world if they don’t accept me, but that’s okay – Hail Mary

The prison system is filled with people who make false claims of fidelity
They don’t realize that time is precious, and shouldn’t be spent in prison
I’ve been in prison, but I live my life knowing that some day I will die
I am too jaded to smile, and I’m too disturbed for humility
We are living the high life, please help me God
I’m drinking heavy amounts of alcohol
Please let me have some of that Hennessy, I require more of that particular beverage

Life is Hell, and I might go to hell, but I remain brave
My mother used to find that I had disappeared from my bedroom
I am mentally ill, I don’t have a solution to that problem
We only get one life, but I am not afraid of death
It is only me and my brothers, destined for prison for drug dealing
We are trapped in a life of crime
I want to recognize all of my friends in federal prison
Remain strong of heart, and know I’m thinking of you
When the guards turn the lights out on the cell block, I’m there will you in spirit
Criminality is etched into my soul
Hail Mary, friend

I’m not going to do the verses of 3-rate 90s rappers no one remembers. 

But I think the song is sympathetic, when translated.

We all have our various struggles, and we do our best to find God in the midst of these struggles.

With the black folk, I am leaning towards the Curse of Ham explaining their existence. So their struggles are harder. But I also do agree that they have souls and some are trying their best. I think it is useful to see our own struggles reflected in their clearly more extreme struggles, as they try to deal with the low IQ and violent tendencies they are cursed with.

We need further study of the blacks to fully understand what is going on with these people.

I think “ride or die” is an important message for white people.

Those are our hold options.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us, sinners. 

Wait, you can harass people online?

In 2021?

Looks like meat is back on the menu, boys.

CTV News:

Ontario real estate agent Jenna Ryan has never received a bad review in her career.

At least until another agent by the same name stormed the U.S. Capitol this month.

Among the hundreds of rioters that broke their way into the American symbol of democracy on Jan. 6, incited by U.S. President Donald Trump, was a Texas realtor and life coach.

That Jenna Ryan, who even bears a resemblance to the Canadian Jenna Ryan, reportedly flew on a private jet from Frisco to join the march in Washington. She was pictured wearing a Trump toque walking through the building, and posing in front of a smashed window, smiling and holding up a peace sign. She tweeted her presence and intent throughout the entire day, sharing messages and videos from the steps of the building, including:

“We just stormed the Capital. It was one of the best days of my life.”

On Friday, federal authorities in Dallas arrested and charged the American Jenna Ryan for disorderly conduct on Capitol grounds and knowingly entering or remaining in a restricted building without lawful authority, according to reports.

For the Canadian Jenna Ryan, who lives in the northern Ontario city of Sudbury, that Jenna Ryan’s decision on Jan. 6 has made for a chaotic start to her 2021, more than 1,100 kilometres away from the U.S. Capitol Building.

“Maybe I’ll go back to 2020. I feel like I liked it better,” she joked with CTVNews.ca over the phone on Friday.

After the storming of the Capitol earlier this month, social media was flooded with sleuthing internet users attempting to expose the rioters. When the American Jenna Ryan’s identity was revealed, the Canadian Jenna Ryan started getting inundated with messages. The first was a bad review on her Google business page, which took her by surprise, since she had never received a negative rating online before.

“I ignored it. I thought it was some crazy person online,” she said. But Ryan was soon inundated with emails, Facebook messages, comments and international calls. She removed her number from various web pages and contacted social media companies for help, but it hasn’t made much of a difference. It died down after a few days, but with the news of the woman’s arrest, on Friday, the calls have started up again.

“Every derogatory thing you could say to a person, none of which you can probably write in a news article,” she told CTVNews.ca.

So here’s the plan: find the names of every single woman who is recorded as having been at the Capitol.

Then find some random bitch with the same name.

Make SURE it’s not the person who actually did the thing.

Then, listen to that Tupac song for inspiration.

No, I’m just joking.

You can’t really harass people online anymore, this is just some stupid whiny bitch, who got a few messages, then was quickly able to shut the whole thing down with all these methods they have to shut shit down. You can’t inflict any real trauma anymore. They have too many systems in place.

The days of the Troll Storm are long dead.

And they will only rise again when the heroes return, once and for all.

(By the way, imagine that in 1996, black felons were allowed to talk about doing drive-bys and killing children on Billboard top hits. It’s almost like someone was trying to foster a negative culture around black people. I mean, blacks were always violent, but I have to imagine that their behavior was better when they were listening to Luther Vandross. Frankly, 2 Pac was a really good rapper, and it holds up now, but I mean, how was this not regulated? You’d think that even though it wasn’t regulated, someone would say “can you remove that part where you say you’re going to drive by and shoot his young children?”)

Bad memes lost the democrats an election that they should have won with their hands behind their backs.

And I believe that.

It wasn’t Wikileaks. It wasn’t tinfoil hat Russian kookspiracies.

It was bad, bad memes, which were founded on twisted, weird logic.

Allow me to analogize.

At 12 or 13, every boy wonders what would happen if they stuck their dick in a vacuum cleaner tube.

Would it bring pleasure?

Would it suck all the blood into the penis and make it look huge, and give a smug satisfaction?

Those who muster-up the courage to try the experiment, however, learn that it brings zero pleasure, and though while it does inflate the size of the penis significantly, the pain associated with the metal end of the tube pressing against the ballsack – and more than likely sucking parts of the ballsack into the tube itself, pressuring it against the metal rim – negates any smugness one may feel at the sight of the artificially swollen member.

They flip the “off” switch, and never again wonder about this activity.

The Democratic memes of the 2016 election were just such a weird experiment. In fact, the analogy could not be any more perfect – this right here is how I became to be known as the Mike Tyson of Analogies.

Still, after having had his ballsack caught against the metal rim of the vacuum tube, Obama is following Trump around, trying to force meme old, failed memes – in particular, he is pushing the “it is morally wrong for countries to have borders, because having a border means you hate the color of the skin, which is evil” meme, which I believe is probably the worst meme I’ve ever heard. I see better memes on Reddit every day of the week.

Washington Times:

With President Trump meeting European leaders nearby, former President Barack Obama took a veiled swipe at him Thursday, telling an audience in Germany that modern nations “can’t hide behind a wall.”

“In this new world we live in, we can’t isolate ourselves. We can’t hide behind a wall,” Mr. Obama said in Berlin at a forum with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Except Israel.

They can do it because of the Holocaust, when 6 million of them had their skulls smashed in by pedal-powered skull-smashing machines and where then turned into lampshades.

Real Nuremberg Documents: The initial reason the Jews used foot-lever powered brain-bashishing machines was that German sipers firing at the back of the heads of prisoners at point-blank range kept missing their heads.

Twenty-eight thousand people per day had their skulls crushed with a pedal-powered brain bashing device. All twenty-eight thousand were burned in a meme four crematoriums every day. This is the efficiency of the efficient Nazi killing machine.

Because that happened, they have different rules. One of those rules is that they’re allowed to build walls.

Or, this is the claim of Obama’s stale forced meme.

Mr. Obama made the comment as Mr. Trump, who plans to build a wall along the U.S. border with Mexico, was meeting NATO and other European leaders across the border in Brussels, Belgium. Mrs. Merkel is set to have dinner with Mr. Trump later Thursday night.

Mr. Obama attended the event, sponsored by the Protestant church, at Mrs. Merkel’s invitation. He also warned the audience of young people to be wary of leaders who don’t question themselves.

Yeah, publicly questioning your own confidence in your own decision-making ability – the mark of a true leader.

While it would normally be considered sexist, Barack Obama is allowed to to manspread against Angela Merkel because he used to be a slave. Actually, his father was from Kenya, and was never a slave (at least not in America), but nonetheless, he is of the same race as people who were slaves, thus he has immunity from prosecution for manspreading.

Throughout history, there is one character trait that marked all great leaders: they publicly questioned their own decision-making abilities.

One of the most famous examples in recent history is when Ronald Reagan, determined to bring down the Iron Curtain, said to Mikhail Gorbachev, “Mr. Gorbachev, maybe you should consider tearing down that wall. I’m not really sure though. It could be, that it is a good idea to leave it up. Looking at it, it seems to be a sturdy, good wall. So I could be totally wrong, so please, take what I’m saying with a grain of salt. I’m going to have to think about this more, as the wall could be pretty good actually.”

And that is how communism ended.

Or we can go back further, to that famous passage from the Declaration of Independence: “We think these ideas we have are possibly correct, that all men are created relatively similar to one another, but we’re not sure exactly. It is possible, that they are supposed to have some good rights, given to them by the Creator. However, we have recently been questioning whether or not God actually exists, which would make this not a very good point. We may need to rethink this. But, if we get some more research together, we may be ready to suggest that people should be allowed to not be killed, have maybe some freedoms, and try to have a good time. But again, this might be wrong, and maybe people don’t have any value at all, and God doesn’t even exist.”

It was with those powerful words of insecurity and self-doubt that this great nation was founded.

And lest we forget the immortal words of William Wallace, Scottish freedom fighter portrayed by Mel Gibson in the films Braveheart: “Yes, if you fight, you might die, so that is probably something you might want to think about. If you run away, you will not die, and this could quite possibly be a better choice, as most people would prefer life to being dead. Who knows, maybe your life will be bad after this, but you won’t be dead. And really, probably nothing bad will happen, maybe. Who knows. But these people are going to kill us, most likely. They won’t take our freedom, but actually, I don’t really think it is possible to have freedom when you’re already dead, so this probably isn’t really the best idea anyway.”

And with those wise, uninspired words, where he questioned not only his own judgment, but the fundamental basis of his own values and belief system, as well as the entire concept war he was fighting, he led his troops into a great battle.

wew lads.

The very concept of Obama stalking Donald Trump across Europe is so bizarre as to be unclassifiable.

I mean, the whole situation is so weird. The fact the African doesn’t understand he isn’t President anymore is not much weirder than the fact he was ever President in the first place.

In his deranged, mulatto mind, he appears to be incapable of fully grasping the concept that he is no longer President, and instead looks at President Trump as someone trying to challenge his leadership. So he must stalk him, and denounce him everywhere he goes.

It’s sort of like a Pokemon-type plan.

Can someone please parody TLC’s “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” as “Don’t Go Chasing Pokeballs” and make it about Barack Obama Stalking Donald Trump? I will write the lyrics. Fuck you, I’ll even sing it, if someone mixes it for me.

He shows up to release his pokeballs – bad memes – to challenge Trump’s pokeballs – better memes.

But seriously, the “we don’t need to live in fear and build walls – this was never a popular meme and it was forced hard through trillions of dollars worth of advertising on the part of the Jewish media and still people were like “this meme is shit.”

But he has no other memes in his meme deck.

“Don’t have borders – we have to just allow all third world people to come into our countries, destroy our society and culture, live on welfare and undermine our workforce, while also committing unfathomable amounts of violent crime – if we don’t do that, it’s racism, which is hatred for the color of the skin, which is the most evil thing ever for some reason” is just not a workable meme.

But what else?

Honestly, I think he should release a dis track.

Something in the classic style, when niggas was rill.

I think he can remix Tupac’s “Hit Em Up.”

I mean, “Barack” matches the meter of “Tupac.”

It’s perfect.

Surely, Barack Obama remixing this as a dis track against Donald Trump would be taken more seriously than the “countries shouldn’t be allowed to have borders” meme.

I am also volunteering to write the lyrics of an Obama anti-Trump distrack based on “hit em up,” and sing it if someone will do the mixing.